Anguished Death Dealer. Assertive Diagnostic Device. I've spent the last few years coming up with anything in the world to accronymize the letters A.D.D. Besides "attention deficit disorder". Because over the course of the last few years, a little bit before being ADD became a fad, I have slowly but surely come to the realization that when doctors and concerned parents discuss ADD, and list symptoms of the "disorder", I don't know what they're all abuzz about. I mean, doesn't every human being have a problem with being distracted, especially in this day and age? Don't they all have thoughts constantly racing through their brains, like speeding trains, and catching one of them takes a great deal of mental effort? Or, on the flip side, be able to focus so intently on a project that hours and hours slip by without your knowing it, and you realize at the end of your trance that you haven't eaten, you haven't even gone to the bathroom? Am I the only one that has piles and piles of projects that they've started and never finished, because there's always a point where 'the motivation stops'? Doesn't everyone have the unconscious need to tap fingers, shake legs, and otherwise fidget constantly? Finish sentences, or incomplete? Isn't it difficult for everyone to wake up in the morning, and feel utterly overwhelmed at the amount of things that need to be done in life, to the point of not even being able to get one single done in a day? And doesn't that feeling, when it's at its worst, lead to a constant and debilitating depression that sucks the very life out of Life?
Oh, it's not all bad: there are times I've been so frustrated at my brother's complete inablility to do more than one thing at a time… and secretly proud that I could. Thinking on my feet? Easy as pie, always has been. I'm rarely surprised. And can very easily roll with punches. Big life changes–the ones that involve a number of little changes–are more difficult to deal with, but ask me to completely shift my way of thinking to another, and I'm fine with that. Which makes me a great diplomat, a perfect "middle man", and a very empathetic person to talk to. After all, when I say I understand, I really believe that I do, because it's not difficult for me to put myself in your place; I can see most sides of any situation. I'm not saying I don't have strong opinions (obviously), I do… I just don't mind putting them aside for a second to listen to someone else.
These are apparently symptoms of ADD, which I know is a fairly fad-dy disorder (but not quite as much as "Restless Leg Syndrome"), but one that I think does exist, for the most part. It's been a topic of conversation, and a concern for some, for a lot longer than PDAs, Wifi, laptops and cell phones have been. I remember the classmates I had that took Ritalin; the kids in school that were almost literally bouncing off the walls. And Elementary School was a long time ago, for me. I don't remember people talking about "ADD", necessarily, but I remember those kids. They bugged me, for the simple reason that they didn't have the willpower to keep it together, and I could.
I wasn't a hyperactive child, as my Mom likes to remind me whenever I talk to her about ADD. And I really wasn't, compared to most. I haven't changed much. In some situations I can be very frenetic and gregarious, which could probably be construed as hyperactive, but lots of times I'm fairly quiet. But I do feel that I could be more frenetic, more consistently, if I wanted to. I've just always been the type that doesn't love to lose control. And that's why I didn't like the way my hyper classmates zipped and zapped around. I knew how they felt. But I knew that it was good for me to just keep it cool. Fewer people got hurt that way.
Mom also likes to point out that I got straight As in school, and didn't seem to have any problems doing so. I'm not trying to paint a picture of my mother as a ignorant monster, by the way– she'd be mortified. I cannot imagine anyone better for the job of Matt's Mom, then, and now, than Mary Lucy Bivins. Anything that she doesn't know about my childhood would be things I actively kept from her. Like the days that I would sit alone and do the incredibly tedious homework and sob at the futility of it. And the genuine problem I had keeping still (I still sit on my hands to keep from jerking around like a puppet, sometimes) and staying focused on what teachers and classmates had to say (I imagine that a lot of kids like me got very good at filling in the blanks of fragmented information gathering). But I wasn't a complainer, and also just figured that everyone was dealing with the same frustrations.
The specialists say that bright kids can easily get through school without ever being diagnosed with ADD. I guess, then, I'm just going to say it, outright: I'm pretty darn bright. But I think that it's pretty easy, in fact, to live a lifestyle that is very pro-ADD (like, for example, being in a full-time rock band) and never ever think twice about it.
I certainly didn't think about it until much later in life. When I started comparing myself to peers that seemed to be equipped with skills that I didn't have: productive organizational skills, functional listening skills, and the ability to get up and get going, no matter how frakkin' daunting the world seemed to be. Being on the road was fine. My job wasn't easy, but it maximized my creative productivity: wake up, get in the van, arrive at the venue, play show, go to bed, start over. Or… wake up, go to the studio, write songs, record them, go to bed, start over. Constant change in surroundings, constant change in stimuli, constant change. That's for me. It got hard when I actually had a long span of time at home. Strangely enough, paying bills wasn't nearly as easy as playing the accordion. The more mundane jobs in my life just barely got done, if at all. Sometimes for lack of financial means, sometimes for no good reason except "I forgot… yes, for two years. Whoops!"
This was fine in my early 20s. You're allowed some time to be a goof. But it started to concern me as I got older. And then it started to depress me. When Dad died, it got worse. I couldn't focus on anything. As I have worked through the mourning process, I've found lots of things have gotten better, but not much has gotten easier. And I think when friends in the know alluded to me that I might be the posterboy for ADD, it was time for me to learn more about myself.
In fact, there's one theory in particular, popularized by writer Thom Hartmann, author of Beyond ADD and Healing ADD, that I have gravitated towards in my attempt to understand what makes my brain function a little differently. A theory that what is going on in my brain isn't really a disorder at all, but simply another way of thinking.
In every burgeoning society there is usually a group of farmers, and a group of hunters. The farmers were chosen at early childhood because it became obvious that these children were adapt at cultivating something, slowly. Patience was in their genetic makeup, in fact, and the little farming kids could focus well for long blocks of time. What they weren't so good at was spontaneity, and less long-term problem solving.
If spontaneity was called for, the tribe called on the Hunters. It was also obvious at at a young age which children would be good hunters. They were the ones that constantly had to be moving. That got depressed when they had to wait on things. They were able to focus intently on a prey, some slab of bison burger-to-be, and if said prey got away, they'd just as easily be able to shift this focus to the next walking meal.
In these early tribal societies these two types of people–the Hunters and the Farmers–co-existed because one couldn't survive without the other. But things have changed. Our society, for example, has evolved to a nearly all-Farming society. So to speak. We don't usually grow our own food, but we do cultivate, rather than hunt. We make the money, slowly, in order to go and buy the food that has been grown or produced for us. We work eight hour days where we are expected to focus intently on work that is due sometime in the future, be it near or far. When we are not working, we are allowed to rest, by watching episodes of television shows that depict teenage vampire slayers… in other words, we might dream of hunting, but we're no hunters. Except for once a year: the day after Thanksgiving, when all the Christmas sales start.
I think that this is fascinating. And it feels so right, to me. I'm not actually deficient in something; I'm just old-fashioned! My brain is a holdover to the Good Old Days, when a man with ADD would be the guy that everyone wanted to see, come dinnertime. Not like today, when I beg to the gods that I might get to somewhere I'm going on time, for once. I'd rather romanticize this little eccentricity of mine… and pretend that I'm dressed head-to-toe in skins, face blackened with charcoal and mud,
blood from my fresh kill clotting in the fur wrap on my shoulders… than hate myself for locking my keys in the car for the fifth time this month.
I'm getting used to this "new" way of thinking. New only in the sense that it's a new thing for me to think about; that I am comfortable thinking about it this way. I have a prescription to use drugs, but I don't really use them as much as I'd like to. I'm always trying to find new and better and more efficient ways to do things, sometimes to the detriment of getting things done, but at least I no longer feel like worthless and lazy at the end of the day if nothing does get done.
It took me a long time to post this little entry, for example. The tale of it became something that I stopped wanting to tell, midway thorough. I kept going back to this journal, seeing this post in my "drafts" folder, and closing the web browser. It's laughable, but that's OK, I think. Maybe an earlier Matt would just let the words go; I'm OK with just being late, as an Ardently Delayed Dude should be.
April 17, 2006 at 5:10 pm
I find that it’s A Deafening Doubt that causes me to get distracted from everything I do. Whether it’s doubt regarding instances of lonliness or doubt dealing with work/school/music deadlines…it seems to be ruling my means of concentration. Back to work I guess…oh and great job on Ward’s site. It looks great.
-DMcD
April 17, 2006 at 9:43 pm
ever since those restless leg syndrome commercials came out i’ve wondered if that’s what’s been bothering me all these years. meh. i’d rather attribute it to stress. less meds to worry about.
i also blame my own quirks that some people might associate with add (i have never thought i am) with the fact that i’m a gemini, and geminis are easily distracted, creative people who have to have a million things going on in order to get anything done. that explains me, and though i don’t really even believe in astrology, that little description is enough to keep me happy, knowing there are others out there like me.
amorously dynamic daddy-o’s.
April 17, 2006 at 9:45 pm
Okay, get ready because this is going to probably be a very long comment.
In response particularly to your first paragraph, my thoughts too are that everyone has those troubles of fidgiting/overwhealmity/hyper focus/distraction.
And personally I completely relate with every other symptom you listed that you experience. My mother, too, likes to remind me that I wasn’t a hyperactive child, and that I’m often calm and quiet. I try to explain to her that “ADD” comes from inside emotions and ever-bumbling thoughts, and some people have better control over themselves and their actions than others. While it may be obvious that someone has it, someone else who does too doesn’t necessarily quite show it.
But I never had productive organizational skills, functional listening skills, and the ability to get up and get going, and well, if I do at any point have those skills, they’re not consistent. For example, my room can’t stay “clean” for more than a few days. Sometimes I believe that the condition of my room when it’s untidy is a reflection of my thought-filled, overwhealmed mind. Yes, meds help some “symptoms” of ADD such my unability to focus so that I can pick up all the crap I throw on my floor throughout the week. But I don’t take my medication as often as I want to, either.
Well anyway one of my teachers noticed that I always came up with (original and creative, but incorrect) answers on reading comprehension tests I took in her class. My grades weren’t very high (and didn’t improve much with help,) and she eventually decided to refer me to get tested for a learning disability. Schools can’t diagnose students with anything without a real doctor, so the result of said learning disability tests suggested I see one to discuss diagnosis of ADD. I actually wasn’t aware ADD was considered a learning disability.
But my conclusion is that those who are Agressivly Dressed Dandy really just do simply have a different way of thinking. People like you and I can put ourselves in other peoples’ *shoes* and look at things from other points of view, but the initial way we think of things is just different, like we use a different part of our brain or something. Isn’t that a type of genius??
This quality of us can be a good thing, like for writing stories or comming up with a unique webpage design. Or in winning a debate because we can look at things from different angles and find loopholes in the opposing side’s evidence, thus using that to make our side’s argument stronger.
Somewhere in the middle of your post, you (mentioning Thom H.’s theory) said that ADD is a different way of thinking and I know that that’s so true. So why is it that we’re diagnosed with something that’s considered a disorder? I mean, why is anything initially incongruent to society a disorder?
(Yep, that /was/ long.)
P.S.
I second ‘Mac on the fabulousness of Wardie’s site.
April 18, 2006 at 1:07 am
Hello.
I’m a huuuuuuge Jump fan (and such a Mattgirl) – and falling in love with the Dole and other projects everyone’s now working on. Really excited to see what things all 5 of you guys will pull off in the future. So… I’ve found your blog here and have been lurking a bit, enjoying a little e-voyeurism into the life of Mr. Hottie McHotterson… er, Bivins, but this entry has got me itching to respond.
Not a rant, but thought I’d clarify a few things. For what it’s worth (and that ain’t much) I’m a PhD student in psychology, which by no means makes me an expert, but does however, mean that I have had extensive training in psychopathology, including how to diagnose and treat all kinda maladies of the mind, among them ADHD.
ADD is *not* a form of learning disability in the strict sense, although many people mistakenly regard it as such – mostly because it can have such a drastic negative impact on learning if left untreated. Under current diagnostic guidelines, there is no formal diagnosis of “ADD” anymore; several years ago, it was traded in in favor of the cocktail term “Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder” with several subtypes. There is a form of the disorder which is *not* characterized by hyperactivity. In other words, you can have ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Type and have no appreciably different profile of hyperactivity than someone without ADHD. So, this can still be the right diagnosis for you even if you’re not bouncing off the walls and/or never have been.
For sure, everyone has difficulty in managing the minutia of everyday crap. The difference for the ADHDer is that there is a persistent pattern of problems doing so that SIGNIFICANTLY impacts two or more areas of his/her life (social, school, work, home, etc) and the problems aren’t attributable to something else going on – such as, as in Matt’s example, the period directly after the death of a parent when one is in bereavement. A lot of people’s lives go to crap when that kinda thing happens. Usually though, people with ADHD have a long history of having symptoms (read: they’ve been this way since birth, or at least, as long as anyone can remember)… even though, to complicate the issue further, nearly 15% of cases of ADHD are due to mild brain injury and so are “acquired.” So, the symptoms of the non-hyperactive form can include (but are not limited to): often failing to pay close attention to details, often having difficulty sustaining atttention, often failing to follow through on projects or to finish duties, often avoiding/dislike for tasks that require sustained mental effort, often losing things necessary to accomplish tasks, often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli… ad nauseum.
Still with me? Yeah, this is kinda tedious, sorry. :/ Adults who are successful at managing their ADHD often find ways “around” the problems where they’re most troublesome. I’ve “prescribed” an organizational system or a palm-device for clients as a place to start, for example. Meds work really well for some and do nothing for others. Cognitive Behavior therapy has been shown to be really effective in many cases, as well. But this isn’t ever going to go away completely.
Finding the right “fit” in the world for the way your brain works and how you do things is huge here, in terms of being “successful” (however one defines that) but more importantly, happy and well-adjusted. Being in a rock band suits you, Matt, whereas working behind a desk for 10 hrs a day, surrounded by non-creative types, looking at the same four walls for 40 or so years woulda been, well, not a good choice. But bottom line is, thats all *any* of us is after… trying to find our place in the world, where we can do our thing and feel good at the end of the day, and perhaps not make the lives of everyone around us a living hell. Labels and meds and therapy and symptoms and bullshit aside, it really is all about niche-finding. And even if the keys thing is a hassle sometimes or you’ve got a pile of crap you haven’t done since Clinton was in office… you might at least revel in the fact that you know what you love and that you’re good at it. And have a dozen or so projects going to get at *being* it in another form.
More to love, man. And the cream will likely rise to the top…
In the end, thanks for making your contribution to *my* life… even if mine here might have come off sanctimonious and snobby.
Peace.
April 18, 2006 at 1:10 am
It always feels a little strange to respond to someone who says something complex about themselves (be it email, blog, face to face, whatevs) with an ardent “Ooo, me too!”
I hate to do that, so I’ll try and find the place where our stories differ instead of floating around about how they are the same.
I’ve fooled just about everyone. Not on purpose, mind you. I am sure as a child it started out as an unconscious coping mechanism. I was not diagnosed until I was 27. I’ve never taken meds because my insurance does not cover them. No one ever notices that I am total fucking mess inside, not even people very close to me. But, every now and then I’ll meet someone. They look at me, I look at them, and somehow I know that they know. They know I’m a fraud.
Some say it’s genius or madness or something. I say most days I’d rather be beautiful and dumb than smart and feeling like my brain was accidentally downloaded with three times its maximum capacity. I can’t find a damn thing in there.
I am jealous of your understanding. I am jealous that you got to do a job that kind of jived with your brain. You’re probably one of those people who would know as soon as you took a moment to look at me. You’d know how I feel. That’s oddly comforting. Yeah, so thanks for that.
adamantly droning days
absolutely damned diligence
acumen dearth dilemma
April 18, 2006 at 2:38 pm
It’s pretty obvious to anyone who’s met you how bright you are (it certainly always was to me). If it wasn’t before, the recent writings have got to be good evidence for it.
My little sister is in the 4th grade. My sister is A___ D___ D___, but my parents worried more about how it was affecting her socially than academically. When she was intent on telling a story or a joke, she would interrupt or speak too loudly, never realizing how much it annoyed her friends. After a few years of talking to counselors and trying all sorts of organizational techniques, my mother and horrible step-father finally and reluctantly decided to try medication. My sister, who once fell into my lap and cried over her inability to make herself do what she knew was productive, was very enthusiastic. It’s done wonders, but no one in the family sees it as fixing a broken child. More like taking vitamin supplements – a small chemical change to help her over the biggest hills. She can tackle the little ones on her own.
April 18, 2006 at 6:37 pm
I really appreciate that you felt you could share that with everyone. I’ve also had my share of problems, but not (atleast diagnosed) ADD. I was always a “gifted kid.” My parents would bring me to special programs because I was just a sponge for learning. I even dragged them to look at private high schools when I was in 5th grade.
When I started high school, however, I had a near fatal reaction to a toxic mold in the school and had to be homeschooled for a while. Since then I’ve had resulting issues with memory loss, attention span, having problems processing information when people talk, and social axiety. I have an incredibly hard time learning and the doctors can’t fix me because they can’t figure out what is wrong. I am no longer able to exceed average (with minor exceptions) and it frustrates me to no end remembering how it used to be for me. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m learning to deal with the fact that it has been 6 years now and it doesn’t seem to be going away.
It is very comforting to know that while I may be lonely, I’m not alone.
April 19, 2006 at 10:13 pm
It wasn’t until I was well into my 20’s that ADD was suggested to me by a doctor I had been seeing. I thought surely he was a nut becasue I always got good grades, was never hyperactive, was more introverted than extroverted, blah blah blah. I am still not so sure that I buy into his theory, but I do completely identify with your post, and a great deal of the comments as well.
In the few years before I gave birth to Quinn (4.5 yrs old now) I spent a lot of time stressed out and depressed that I couldn’t seem to “get my shit together” like my peers. I grew up doing theatre where every 6 weeks my life would drastically change, starting from the time I was about 4. Add that to constantly changing step fathers and houses and schools, the only consistancy was inconsistancy and the only routine being spontinaity. Did I (do I) have a chemical issue or was it (is it) all environmental? Who knows. The truth is I still have days where I am so overwhelmed by all that needs to be done that nothing gets accomplished except feeding the kids. And often times those days end in me being depressed about my lack of stick-to-itivness to “get my shit together”. In my case, I was always treated for depression issues rather than for ADD. I sometimes think that the former is more often caused by the later, than people just having depression issues alone. Who knows… I have been med free for almost five years, this being the longest stretch of med free time in my life.
Honestly, having kids has grounded me a lot. Not that I am suggesting to anyone to have children to overcome or to learn to cope with ADD or any other sort of thing. My kids were both surprises. But I have to admit there is a true sence of accomplishment from sticking with something long term and seeing it through (yes, I know I have years of the parenting process left) that I had never felt before in my life.
I think it is just a different way of being wired… At any rate, Matt, you are fabulous. I like to look at it like this… would you rather read a book about our lives (ADD ish type) or about the lives of the 40 hour a week mundane types? We would be on the best sellers list for a reason…
Vanessa